Our September - November edition of Kindred raised a few eyebrows, specifically with regards to our special feature called 'Raising Drug-Free Kids'. While many readers wrote in to thank us for the feature, we also received a number of emails from equally unhappy readers.I welcome the occasion when readers may not agree with an article we've published as it indicates to me that the Kindred readership is engaged, thoughtful, opinionated and passionate. The occasion also allows for a deepening to occur - for concepts to be re-examined, and new understanding to develop as a result of diverse points of view coming together...for all of us. It is because of these opportunities that we are launching a terrific new multi-platform website at the end of this year that will feature discussions, forums, blogs and community generated content. This will allow us to really engage with Kindred content, and form new ideas, support each other and generally grow together. Meanwhile, we're stuck with the limitations of our current site, and hence my blog to you today.
Basically the feature ended up igniting a rather chronic long term clash between two related yet at times different approaches to conscious parenting--Aletha Solter's Aware Parenting approach, and classic Attachment Parenting theory. Of course there are many who don't see a division in these two approaches, but there are some who do, and still others who do, but only with certain aspects. I'm not going to go into what the differences are or what the different points of view are here. You'll have to read the magazine to get a sense of the feature. But I did want to address an over-arching theme that arose for me in reading all the emails I received.
It seems to me that in the wake of losing our extended families, our natural-world support base, our traditions, our instincts, our sense of belonging and our empowerment through the disease of 'disconnection' that our culture perpetuates, we as parents cling to the only thread of sanity offered to us amidst the chaos and insanity of modern life. That thread is the hope of creating a sane and peaceful world through parenting our children consciously. As Barbara Kingsolver wrote, 'My best revenge against all the dishonesty and hatred in the world, it seems to me, will be to raise right up through the middle of it these honest and loving children.' With that hope has been created a plethora of books, tapes, dvds, lectures, workshops, support groups, coaches, magazines and classes to help support us on that journey. A journey that pits us directly at odds with modern society - its culture and its mad frenzied heartless pace.
And, as well intentioned as all these books, tapes, dvds, etc are, all they can offer us is the superficial intellectual understanding of how to parent. They cannot give to us what nature, native-culture, familial lineage, belonging and instincts would give---give right down into our bone marrow. They can only give us formulas. Just like religion or spiritual practice cannot give us God...it can only point the way. The old saying of 'the spiritual teacher is only a finger pointing to the moon---not the moon itself' can be applied here. The teachings of conscious parenting are only fingers pointing, they are not the consciousness itself. That is our job to embody.
So Attachment Parenting (AP) or Solter's Aware Parenting are just that...fingers pointing to the moon. They are formula's based on the intention to meet babies' and children's needs in an optimal manner so that they might grow up to feel loved, connected and whole. The trouble is, they can point us, but they can't make us be it. That is our job, in every moment, through every single millisecond and it will be different for every parent and every child and everything and everyone in between.
But rather than be present, we settle for a formula. Not because we're jerks or anything, but simply because it is how the insane world runs. We are taught to be disconnected and not present. So being present hasn't exactly been our default position. And the forumula might be a great formula, an evolved, humane, conscious, attached formula....but it's still a formula. So regardless if someone leans more towards classic AP theory, or towards Aware Parenting theory, or a mixture of both...there is still the risk we can respond to our children in unpresent formuliac responses...simply because a book (or magazine!) told us so. For example, many AP parents aren't comfortable just holding their children while they cry (electing to jiggle them, distract them or offer them the breast), simply because their own need is to have the child stop crying (a crying child can be very distressing for us, especially if we were unresponded to as children). Similarly, an Aware Parenting parent, can use Aletha's approach simply to stop a child from night feeds. Both are booby traps (pardon the pun), and aren't necessarily the best approach for a child in a particular moment. The anecdote for all this is being present.
So on it goes, between these two theories, there are grey areas where different experts could argue that one specific response to a baby or child is more connected or appropriate than another response. The hairs can be split ad infinitum. Meanwhile, while we spend our time splitting those hairs, we miss the ove-arching invitation: to be absolutely present with ourselves and our children. (By the way, I'm not adverse to hair-splitting, love it in fact....and will be engaging some of our 'experts' in a forum for just that purpose on this very subject on our new website...).
Formuliac thinking is also responsible for some of the upset responses we received concerning the article on drug-free kids and it's chart on control patterns. The chart was meant as a means to illustrate how some emotional control patterns might develop sometimes under some circumstances. But instead Kindred was accused of stating that babies who are jiggled or rocked become drug addicts! I must say, I do understand, however. I am no stranger to formulaic thinking.
So I thought to use this moment, when the two theories were clashing in my midst, to let go of the fingers and go straight to the moon itself....to true presence, responsiveness and empathy with our children. My friend and colleague Robin Grille suggested a conscious parenting litmus test for just this purpose. He suggests:
In any given moment with your child, ask yourself these questions:
Am I responding to my child and what he / she needs, or am I just doing this because I read it somewhere? Or am I doing this to try to heal my own childhood wounds THROUGH my child?
Of course, stay tuned to our new website, where we can be present AND split hairs! My guess is that all of us will contribute towards deeper understanding of who we are and how to continue forward on our journey to return this planet to sanity.
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